Road Trip From Hell
by Kontradiction
Summary: What would happen if the Gundam Wing Boys, and Girls, went on a road trip? Non Yaoi, Major Hyponess


Road Trip from Hell  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. I do not own Duo's red convertible. I do not own any pocky. I wish I owned all of these things, but I don't. If you sue me all you're going to get is the piece of green tinsel that I have plaited into my hair.  
  
"We should go on a road trip." Duo announced.  
  
"A road trip?" Wufei repeated incredulously, "Maxwell I take back my earlier comments about your intelligence, that has got to be the single most idiotic idea I have ever heard."  
  
Duo sighed, "Aw, c'mon Wu-Wu, it'll be fun, you, me, Heero, Quat, Trowa and the girls."  
  
Wufei rolled his eyes and walked out of the room.  
  
****  
  
Relena, dressed in her usual pink attire, pulled her prospective boyfriend away from his laptop, "Heero, if you don't come with us on this road trip." She paused, waiting until Heero finished his hacking cough.  
  
"Argh, Relena! The perfume!" he buried his nose in a hanky, trying to avoid being killed by the chemical warfare Relena considered 'going shopping for perfume.' At the moment he could smell at least 4 different perfumes, mingling together to make a very strong, very bad smell. Someone needed to tell the girl that lavender, tea tree oil, huntress (Relena's usual perfume) and rose scented hand cream didn't go together. She gave him one of her, 'I'm queen of the world so obey me or else' looks, and continued as if he hadn't interrupted, "If you don't come with us on this road trip I'll throw your laptop out the window."  
  
"Hn. Fine, I'll come. Just leave me alone."  
  
The girl squealed and threw her arms around Heero, "Oh Heero, I love you."  
  
Heero sighed, "I have work to do Relena. Go pester someone else."  
  
The girl flipped her honey blonde hair over one shoulder, and clasped her hands in front of her, "Oh Heero - you tease! I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
Heero groaned, trying to recall why he'd agreed to this.  
  
****  
  
Quatre looked up from packing his bags for the road trip to meet the single visible eye of his best friend. He brushed baby blonde hair out of aqua eyes and smiled, "Trowa, do you think I should take a box of rose hip tea, or a box of earl gray?" He asked. There was no reply. This in itself was not unusual; Trowa rarely spoke, to anyone. Quatre looked at his stoic best friend slightly puzzled, "You think I should take both?" He confirmed, packing both boxes in on top of the other 50 boxes of tea, "If you say so."  
  
Trowa silently picked up the leather straps of his own bag. They were well worn and molded to his hands. He pulled his bag open, listening to the satisfying rip, as the Velcro came apart and checked that none of his 8 bottles of hair gel had split.  
  
****  
  
"Oy, Hilde!" Duo beamed, bouncing on her springy mattress, "Whatcha doin'?"  
  
"I'm packing my bags. It's pretty obvious, ne?"  
  
"Oh." Recognition dawned in huge violet eyes, "Cool."  
  
Hilde sighed and shoved another pair of durable army pants into the bag. She had already packed two months travel rations in her other bag, and she had medical supplies.  
  
"Let's go then."  
  
Duo shouldered his bags once more and slung a companionable arm around her neck. "Yup, we still gotta pick up princess and the devil."  
  
Hilde snorted, "That's not nice Duo!"  
  
Duo beamed, "I know! But you still love me!"  
  
He floored the accelerator and the car roared down the road, leaving clouds of dust behind it. Hilde coughed, as the dust pricked her eyes and nose, "A little faster next time Duo, I think there were a few people who could see that the car was red."  
  
****  
  
"Hey princess, ready to go?" Duo asked, "You girls chuck your bags in the boot and jump in."  
  
The two blondes strode over to the boot, throwing in about 5 bags each, with complete disregard for the other bags. Dorothy looked over her sunglasses at the longhaired boy, "We're going for a road trip in this?" She looked the car over with distaste. Duo nodded, his long braid flying, "She's my baby. I worked for 6 months fixing her up. The other guys chipped in a bit too." He ran a caressing hand across the steering wheel.  
  
Relena rolled her eyes, "Whatever." She climbed into the car arrogantly tossing her hair. "Boys with their toys!" She sat up of the back of the car, with her feet on the back seat, smoothing down her pink skirt. Dorothy smirked from her seat next to Relena, and nudged her best friend.  
  
Relena nodded in an irritating fashion, she stared at Hilde for a moment before beginning, "So, like, Hilde, like, what are you wearing?"  
  
The clothes were her normal attire: Camouflage army pants, combat boots, and a white singlet top.  
  
She ran a hand through her short-cropped black hair, "Er. Clothes actually Relena. That's what most people wear."  
  
Relena and Dorothy tittered in the back, "That was so pathetic."  
  
"Well, this is Hilde, She invented pathetic."  
  
Hilde rolled her eyes, "I can't believe you invited them"  
  
Duo rolled his eyes in response, "You know Relena can get Hee-chan to do almost anything, and it wouldn't be a party without Hee-chan."  
  
Hilde nodded, "Yeah, guess you're right at that."  
  
She grabbed onto her seat just in time, as Duo stepped down on the accelerator and roared out off the driveway sending gravel flying. The two inventors of the word bimbo were knocked off balance for a moment, and Hilde had the satisfaction of seeing both girls trying futilely to fix their hair before they arrived at the apartments.  
  
****  
  
The car slowed to a halt outside Heero and Wufei's apartment block. "Hee- chan get your butt out here!" The brooding youth made his way out to the car, unaffected by the three bags he was carrying. The boy casually slung them into the boot of the convertible and climbed in. Duo held out his hand, and spent about a minute 'shaking' Heero's hand. "So Heero my man, where's Wu-bear this fine day?" Staggering under the weight of two bags Wufei made his way to the car, and dropped his bags on top of Heero's. "I'm right here Maxwell, and the name is Wu-FEI"  
  
Duo grinned, "Well hop in Wu, and let's go."  
  
Unlike the others the Asian boy actually opened the back door of the convertible and climbed in next to Heero. Duo gave him just enough time to close the door before he floored the accelerator. Wufei's voice was right next to his ear, and he laughed as the boy yelled, "Maxwell! You lunatic! You're going to get someone killed!"  
  
Duo grinned, "Yep. And if you don't shut up it's gonna be you!" He gave a sharp exclamation and slammed on the brakes in front of a huge house, and began to honk the horn sharply. Quatre practically flew out of the house, followed closely by Trowa. The blonde boy had Duo in a death grip in seconds, "Hi Duo! Are we going now?"  
  
Duo spluttered and indicated that air would be a good thing. Quatre apologetically released his grip. Duo grinned, "Right, now that I can talk again. Jump in boys, Chuck your bags in the boot. Hee-chan, you hop up next to Relena, so that the others can hop in."  
  
****  
  
-Two hours later-  
  
"Hee-ro" Relena shrilled  
  
"Why is it that only you Relena, can make my name sound like a whine?"  
  
"Make Duo change the music," she ordered.  
  
~Belly flop in a pizza~ Peter Coon sang out.  
  
Dorothy covered her ears, "He's been listening to this, this #%^& for nearly two hours!"  
  
"But we don't have any other music!" Duo pointed out.  
  
"Doesn't anyone have any other music?" Relena whined  
  
"I have my meditation music," Wufei announced  
  
Dorothy shook her head, "That's even worse! Doesn't anyone else have any music?"  
  
Hilde glanced down at the 100% hits CD lying on the top of all her other junk in her bag. She kicked the bag under her seat, "Nope, sorry girls," She apologized shrugging.  
  
"Tro, Quat, you guys have to have brought music!"  
  
Quatre shook his head, "Sorry Relena, you know I only ever listen to classical music." "." Trowa agreed.  
  
"Pity you didn't bring any of your routine music Trowa, it's got a great rhythm."  
  
Dorothy growled, "Let's sing Duo. Even your voice would be better then this %^&$."  
  
Duo flipped off the CD player obligingly, "Sure thing Dorothy, Everyone know 99 bottles?" He asked, and began to sing without waiting for a reply.  
  
Everyone else in the car groaned, save for Hilde, who joined in, singing at the top of her lungs.  
  
****  
  
-The next day-  
  
"This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends." Duo sang out.  
  
Relena and Dorothy were both curled up in the back seat covering their ears, sitting next to them, Hilde sang along half-heartedly. Quatre, Trowa and Wufei were sitting up back, arguing about the colour of Duo's eyes.  
  
"They're purple." Trowa stated  
  
"Dark blue." Wufei muttered  
  
"Purple"  
  
"Blue"  
  
"Purple"  
  
"Blue"  
  
Quatre lazily lifted his head off Trowa's shoulder, "They're violet"  
  
Successfully ignoring the fight in the front seat, Heero tried to concentrate on driving. Three incidents of road kill and one near accident had been sufficient to force Duo out of the drivers seat.  
  
"Duo, I think we've got a flat"  
  
The longhaired boy shook his head, "No uh. It's a sharp, E-sharp. I did take singing lessons ya know."  
  
"I mean a flat tire."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Where's the spare?"  
  
"Spare what?"  
  
"Spare tire you baka!"  
  
"Oh, um, there isn't one"  
  
"Omae o koruso"  
  
"Uh Hee-chan." Duo said, looking uneasy,  
  
"Duo, unless you get us a tyre, omae o koruso"  
  
"How?"  
  
"I have my ways." Heero veered the car off the road, and pulled the bags out of the boot. "Okay minna-san. This is where we'll be staying. Let's set up." He intoned.  
  
Hilde heaved her bags out of the pile, and began to set up her tent. Relena went into shock, "We can't stay here! There aren't any power points!" She exclaimed.  
  
"Why don't you just go get changed Relena, and then we'll eat."  
  
"I only brought one change of clothes. and I'm wearing them!"  
  
Hilde clenched her fists to stop herself from killing the girl. "What were you thinking?"  
  
"I thought the servants would wash them of course."  
  
Hilde sighed, typical, "So what's in the bags then?"  
  
Relena pulled out a bright pink hairdryer, "My electrical appliances of course."  
  
Dorothy picked up a single bag out of the pile, "Let's make the best of this Relena." She started, Hilde nearly smiled, thinking for one futile moment that Dorothy actually might have a good suggestion, "And sunbathe."  
  
Hilde rolled her eyes, "Can I borrow a gun Heero?"  
  
Suspicious blue eyes met hers, "Why?"  
  
"So I can kill the bimbo queens," Hilde explained calmly.  
  
"Oh," Heero unzipped his bag, "What sort do you like?"  
  
Hilde smirked, "I'm impressed."  
  
Duo threw himself on the ground next to Heero,  
  
"Heya guys! Watcha. ooh guns!" His violet eyes sparkled, "So that's what you meant when you said. Hey! You aren't going to." He trailed off eyes widening. "No killing anyone you two!"  
  
Hilde stuck out her tongue at him as Heero closed his bag looking disappointed.  
  
"Let's just eat, okay?"  
  
Duo beamed, "Eat.Yeah!"  
  
He dived at the bags, pulling the top one open. He gave it a hard shake, which caused 50 packets of pocky, 23 chocolate bars, and about $4.00 worth of sugar lollies to spill onto the ground. "I got food." He announced, and began to rip open boxes and wrappers, to stuff various foodstuffs into his waiting mouth, like the pooh bear on a sugar rush.  
  
****  
  
Hilde and Heero watched the boy uneasily, "He's gonna run out of food." Hilde observed.  
  
"Hai." Heero agreed  
  
"I think he still has 2 bags left."  
  
"But Duo packed his own bags. I'm not even going to try to guess what's in them."  
  
"Good Point."  
  
****  
  
-1 hour later-  
  
"I'm sun burnt Hee~ro!" Relena whine  
  
Heero turned to Hilde, "Do you think we'd get in trouble if we just."  
  
"Duo said no killing." Hilde murmured  
  
"What if we only incapacitated her. like put her in a coma or something?"  
  
"That could work." Haileigh mused  
  
Heero smirked, "You know, you're my kind of girl."  
  
"I'm with Duo." Hilde told him, "It'd break his heart if I left him."  
  
Heero grinned, "Actually he'd probably just get very drunk and ask Relena out."  
  
"That's disgusting Heero."  
  
"I know." He smirked.  
  
"Hee~ro" Relena screamed  
  
Heero let the girl sit down beside him, waited for a few seconds, then knocked her out with a carefully placed punch. He picked up her limp body and tossed it into the car, then sat back down beside Hilde. "So, what do we do now?"  
  
Hilde met his gaze; "I think we should get Duo away from the pocky. He's only got one packet left."  
  
"Hai," Heero said standing up, "Nimun Ryokai." He pulled Hilde to her feet, just in time to see Duo inhale the last box of pocky.  
  
"Quick! Let's get him!" Hilde said making a grab for her boyfriend's hands. "As if being stuck out here with B1 and B2."  
  
"B1 and B2?" Heero cut in  
  
"Bitch 1 and Bitch 2!" Hilde explained, and then continued as if she hadn't been interrupted, "As if that wasn't enough, now we also have, hypo-Duo."  
  
Heero grabbed Duo's last two bags before the boy could get to them. He opened one, it was filled to the brim with stolen packets of pure sugar, little complementary butters and jams, the little milks you get at McDonalds, stolen soaps, and other miscellaneous objects. Panicked Heero pulled open the other bag, it was packed full of bags. "What are these for?" Heero asked.  
  
Duo struggled and then replied, "More freebies. I'm a collector. I love them little sugars!"  
  
Heero and Hilde exchanged looks, "Do we draw lots to see who get to go for the tyre?"  
  
Heero raised an eyebrow, "We could both go"  
  
"Someone has to make sure this lot don't destroy the car. Relena and Dorothy were my best friends before I joined the army, and as for the others.how hard can it be?"  
  
****  
  
-Two hours later-  
  
"Eep, there are insects everywhere, H, you've got to let me in, please!"  
  
Hilde shook her head resolutely, "No way Dorothy. Sleep in the car."  
  
Dorothy strode off, cursing under her breath.  
  
"Onna! Let me in!" Wufei yelled  
  
"Wufei?" Hilde asked, surprised, "What happened to your tent?"  
  
"I was meditating and it caught alight." The boy muttered, "Now let me in. I need to meditate."  
  
"Sorry Fei-Sweetie no can do. This is my only tent."  
  
The boy stalked off, muttering something about weak onnas.  
  
"Hey Hild~ey" Duo called, stretching her name out as much as possible. "Want some sugar?" He held out a packet in trembling hands.  
  
Hilde screamed, "Go Away!"  
  
Duo shrugged and skipped off, eating the unwanted sugar himself.  
  
"You seem tense Hilde." Quatre murmured, "Would you like to drink some tea with Trowa and me?"  
  
Hilde's blue-gray eyes widened in shock, "Tea?"  
  
"I have rose hip, lavender, earl gray, mint."  
  
"Mint?" Hilde cut in, "Let me at it!"  
  
She pulled open the door to her tent, "Come in! Both of you, eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may die."  
  
"She's finally cracked," Quatre whispered.  
  
Hilde ignored him, "Mint tea!" She cried. Quatre picked up his kettle and began the tea party.  
  
****  
  
-Three hours later-  
  
Hilde attempted the double flip the Trowa had been trying to teach her for the 17th time. "You've got to relax her, and tighten here." He told her, pointing.  
  
Hilde giggled and toppled over.  
  
"More tea Quatre!" She bellowed, like a cow in heat.  
  
Quatre darted out of the dancing shadows created by the flickering fire, "This is rose hip."  
  
Hilde inhaled the cup. "Yummy!"  
  
Trowa drew her attention back, "I'll show you again. Move like this."  
  
He was the panther, sleek and beautiful as he spun in midair, landing on his feet with perfect precision. Hilde copied awkwardly. If Trowa was the panther, then she was the tiny kitten, lacking its huge cousin's strength. She tumbled to the ground, bringing Quatre and Trowa with her, "I think I need another cup of tea."  
  
Duo beamed, "Not tea. Sugar!" He held out a handful of the little packets, "C'mon Hildey, for me?"  
  
Hilde accepted the offering, and began her mission to finish eating Duo's sugar.  
  
****  
  
-1 hour later-  
  
"What the %^&$ is going on here?" Heero bellowed.  
  
Hilde pounced on him like a puppy, "Hee-chan! You're back! Have some sugar!"  
  
"Or some tea," Quatre added, offering a teacup full of earl gray  
  
"My tent!" Wailed Wufei  
  
"Your tent?" Heero screeched, "Wufei you baka! That was MY tent!"  
  
"Hee~ro!" Relena called, "I knew you'd come back to me!"  
  
Dorothy swatted her arms, "Nuther mozzie. Die vermin! Mwuhahaha!" She gave a creepy laugh, "Anyone got a bug bomb?" She laughed again, and muttered something about the beauty of war.  
  
Heero let out a moan, "Somebody save me!"  
  
"So where'd you find the tyre Hee-chan?" Duo asked  
  
"Parked car." Heero said shortly, "Baka's didn't even bother to install a self destruct device."  
  
Relena pouted, "Can we go somewhere with electricity now?" She moaned.  
  
"Sure Relena! I'm taking you home. None of you are mature enough to go on a road trip."  
  
Owari  
  
-Notes-  
  
This fic started out being a creative writing fic for school. It was way longer then it was supposed to be, and I got in trouble for the almost non- existent Japanese. ::pouts:: Hopefully you guys will be more appreciative then my class mates. Merry Christmas minna! I love you. And please R&R because it's nearly my birthday, and that's the best b-day present any of you could give me (unless you have pocky???) 


End file.
